Homer: I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some *crybabies* out there, religious types mostly, who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. Come on I dare you. Chicken! Marge: Homer, did you just call everyone chicken? Homer: No. I swear on this Bible! Marge: That's not a Bible; that's a book of carpet samples! Homer: Ooooh... Fuzzy. Marge: These are her eyes. Everyone: EEEEEW. Marge: And this is her hair. Everyone: EEEEEW Marge: And these are her brain! Bart: Yo mom we haven't got the eyeballs yet. Marge: Homer you're ruining it!
Lisa: It's a story of a boy and his doll.
Homer: That's not so scary. Lisa: A doll... From *Hell*! Homer: I'm gonna go to the store... Owner: Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse! Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad. Owner: But it comes with a free Frogurt! Homer: [relieved] That's good. Owner: The Frogurt is also cursed. Homer: [worried] That's bad. Owner: But you get your choice of topping! Homer: [relieved] That's good. Owner: The toppings contains Potassium Benzoate. Homer: [stares] Owner: That's bad. Abe: That doll is *Evil*, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeeeviillll!!! Marge: Grandpa, you said that about all the presents. Abe: I just want attention. Homer: My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R. My baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R...
Patty: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality. Homer: The doll's trying to kill me and the toaster's been laughing at me. Homer: So then his wife comes through the door! Bart: So? Homer: Did I mention that she was dead? Lisa: No. Homer: Well, she was. Aaaand she hit him in the head with a *golf-club*! Bart: And? Homer: Don't you remember? He went golfing all the time and it really bugged her. Lisa: You said he went bowling! Smithers: I think women and sea men don't mix. Carl: Hey, I heard we're goin' to Ape Island. Lenny: Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wished we were going to Candy Apple Island. Charlie: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there? Carl: Apes. But they're not so big. Burns: Of course. We wouldn't think of going without the bait-- uhh, that
is, the bait-thing beauty. The bathing beauty! Bart: Nice try, Mr. Flanders. But I've got a story so scary you'll wet your pants! Abe: Too late. Bart: From A-Apple to Z-Zebra, Baby's First Pop-up book is 26 pages of alphabetic adventure! Edna: Bart, you mean to tell me you read a book intended for preschoolers? Bart: Well, most of it. Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No! Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes! Homer: But the car's okay? Kids: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then. Homer: To the book depository!
