Krusty: Happy Christmas from the entire Channel Six family. Including Kent Brockman, who's contractually permitted to replace himself with a cardboard cutout. The real Kent is in a rehab clinic. We all wish him the best. Again. Kent: Now in the spirit of the season, start shopping! And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
Lenny: Who's my secret Santa? Carl: I think It's Homer. Homer: Oh, yes, I am, your present is right in the other room. :runs in other room: Come on machine, take my dollar. Fine, we'll play it your way :attacks machine: Here you go Lenny. May the spirit of resin be with you all year long, god bless god, amen. Carl: You're the most selfish man I know. Homer: Oh come on, Mr. Burns is way more selfish. That evil old bonebag. Smelling of death, nose like a vulture, followed everywhere by that kiss-ass Smithers. Burns: Yes, that describes Kathy from personnell to a t. Homer: Can I get anything for this Joe DiMaggio baseball card. It's kinda old. Comic Book Guy: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid your card is only worth... EVERYTHING I'VE GOT! EVERYTHING! TAKE IT! Oh no. I've smudged it with nacho figures. I must deftly lick it off. Deftly. Homer: Thankyou! Freak. Song: Christmas Prunes
Prune: Yeah! Oh Pruny night, the stars are sweetly wrinkled, We are the fruit, that your grandmother loves. Yeah. Lisa: This is offensive to christians and prunes. Marge: Lets shop till we droop. Lisa: I think that's drop.. Marge: That's a very violent image, Lisa. Bart: Awesome, I'm blasting all the state capitals! Take that, Salem Oregon! Wait a minute, this game is educational :throws controller: That'll teach you to teach me! Announcer: Now lets downshift to the holiday spirit with Christmas convoy. Song: Christmas Convoy Man: Star shone bright, that silent night, ninety miles out of manger town. All the gold and myrrh and frankincense, three kings, put the hammer down! Girls: 'Cause we've got a Christmas Convoy, aint she a beautiful thing? We've gotta roll this truckin' convoy, to see the newborn king. Convoy! Marge: Homer is there something you're not telling us? Astrolabe: It is 6:31pm in Montreal. The moon is waxing tonight. Marge: What's that?
Homer: Uh, woohoo! Maggie's talking! Lisa: No dad, this time you were just plain selfish! Astrolabe: I am not returnable! :Homer cries: I will be testing my smoke alarm for the next three hours. :Homer cries: Homer: I don't need her! I've got you astrolabe! Astrolabe: Columbia's main export is 'coffee' Homer: Exactwyyyy. Announcer: And now, back to Mr. McGrew's Christmas Carol. Homer: Mr. McGrew? I love that blind senile old man! Abe: I can't find my way back to the home! Homer: I heard you the first five times! Homer: Unloved by Al? Nooooooooooooo! Unloved by all? Noooo!
Spirit: Reform Ebaneezer Urkel. You have alienated everyone who loved you. Urkel: Did I do thaaat?
:Followed by Star Trek parody:
Homer: I'll be the nicest man in town. Marge: You've made that promise before! Homer: Yes, but this time I'm sober... ish.
Bum: These pants smell worse than my old pants.. Homer: You're welcome!
Homer: Listen, Lenny, I know I was a pretty bad Secret Santa. So I wanted to make it up to you. Lenny: Wow, a photocube with pictures of us! Homer: And I've filed down all the sharp corners. See, your eye is completely safe. Lenny: Oh wow, It just stings a little.
Homer: I'm not looking for glory or wealth. I'm just buying that stairway to heaven Jesus sang of. Ned: That was Led Zeppelin! Homer: Get back to your bong, hippy!
Todd: Daddy, are you jealous of brother Homer? Ned: Eh, maybe just a tad, Todd. Rod: I'm jealous of girls 'cause they get to wear dresses. Ned: One problem at a time, boy!
Homer: Here's your skates! Oh, you'll have to take off those boots. Bum: Uh, those are my feet.
Ned: I'm gonna be the nicest man this world has ever seen.... be-- :Looks at photo of Jesus: I said man, not man-god! Keep your pants on.
Seymour: You're actually giving everyone in town a Christmas present? Agnes: What's your angle, pervert!? Ned: My angle is giving in this world, living in the next. Seymour: How can you afford all this on a widowers salary. Ned: Well, actually I've picked up some extra cash renting out my house to a fraternity. Rod: Stay out of our medicine cabinet!
Bart: Cool! Mr. Flanders gave me a Krusty brand Operation game. Krusty: Uuuuh you just tweezered my wang! Song: Homer Steals Christmas
Homer: You're a hero; Homer Jay
You're as crafty as a skunk.
They'll thank you in the morning, for stealing Flanders junk,
Homer Jay. You're a double bacon genius burger,
And just a little drunk!
Snake: Oh I've been robbed! Man, so this is how it feels. I'd better see my shrink and rob his ass!
Nelson: Someone snuck in and took our presents! :gasp: Do you think it was papa!? Mrs. Muntz: I wouldn't put it past him. He stole my gold tooth the night he left. Nelson: He didn't leave. He went to the store! And when he comes back I'll wave those Pop Tarts right in your face!
Cookie: Give back our presents, stupid man! Tatum: Your behaviour is just like, it's like not sanctioned by any Governing body, you're like, wild!
Homer: Wait a minute everyone! There's your Christmas, up there! :points to large Star in the sky: Selma: It's a miracle! Moleman: That's my last flare! Somebody better come soon. :wolves are heard: Oh thank goodness, rescue dogs!
Bart: What a great Christmas. Not even Moe's annual suicide attempt can ruin it. Wiggum: I aint got all day, drama queen. Get it over with. Moe: I will! And then you'll all wish you was nicer to me. Ah who am I kidding, I aint gonna jump. Everyone: Hark the herald angels sing, glory to the new born king... Moe: Peace on earth that mercy mild Everyone: God and sin are reconciled. Astrolabe: Today is the birthday of our lord Jesus Christ and singer Barbera Mantrell. Merry Christmas!
