Marge: How'd you get her out? Lisa: I tried the coathanger again. I don't understand why we only try ideas once. Homer: The door? Now I'll never get to pee!
Hibbert: Oh I'm glad you think they're cute 'cause they're your problem now! Homer: You just lost a box, pal! Homer: Wanna play some air-hockey? Prostitute: $350 dollars an hour. Homer: You're on! :runs into arcade: Homer: I can't neuter you boy, not after all we've been through. But from now on you'd better save your lovin' for the couch cushions. Marge: You and Lisa better go and find homes for these puppies. And don't just dump them all off on some crazy lady. Crazy Cat Lady: DAAAARHHRAAAJOOOW. Willie: He's an irritable walleyed misfit bastard! Just like Willie. Ohhh. Bart: Hey mister, would you like a puppy? Snake: No, but I'll take one! Bart: Okay! Snake: I'm going to cherish and care for this dog, and there's nothing you can do to stop me. hahahahr. mwah! Krusty: :flipping channels: Seen it, bad, boring, saw it on the plane, rerun, rerun, telemoondo, me, turned it down, abc, lame, lame, regis. :sighs: Krusty: You dragged me back to my old neighborhood! And it hasn't changed a bit. Man: DSL, DSL! Who will buy my high-speed connections! Man 2: Brazillian Wax! Get your velvety smooth Brazillian wax! Curator: In the eyes of god and the Springfield Jewish Walk Of Fame committee, you are not a Jewish man. Krusty: Now see here! Do you know how much I donate to the Brenee brith!? Curator: Actually I do... Krusty: Goodbye... Krusty: Without a Bar Mitzvah, I'm just a boy, with a prostate the size of a goats head. Krusty: I've lived so hard there's big gaps in my memory. I remember learning to ride a bike. Then pretty much nothing till right now. Krusty: My father will put this in a spiritual philosophical context. Rabbi: I'll tell you why you didn't have a Bar Mitzvah. It's because you're a putz. Everything is a joke to you. I was afraid you'd make a mockery out of the whole ceremony, like you're making a mockery out of me right now. Krusty: Maybe I am but you can't argue with the laughs.......... Ah so what, it's not my job to make kids laugh.
Bart: Krusty that was a great show. Once I was clapping and the applause sign wasn't even on! Krusty: Hey, that's great but I've got a problem. This schedule has me working on Saturdays. That's the sabbath. Producer: Well we could tape two shows on Friday. Krusty: Are you nuts? I can barely get through one show on Friday. Even with the :snorts the air but sees Bart and Lisa watching: Uh, you know, smelling flowers. Such expensive flowers. Filled with remorse.
Homer: Welcome to the Homer Simpson Show. I'm your host, next card! Homer Simpson it's great to be here in next card, Springfield my guests are..
Homer: You ever notice how seats are too small for normal looking guys like me. Theaters, aeroplanes, why even here, look. Comic Book Guy: I could not agree more. Never go on the teacup ride after eating a Beauty and the Beast fried dough chateau.
Carl: Hey I got a question. How come oldies stations are always playing the same song. How bout some NEW oldies, geniuses! Workman 1: Boy these guys are right on the money. Workman 2: Yeah my neck is sore from agreeing so much. Workman 1: Hey baby! You lookin' for a good time, huh? Go home, turn on your television, channel six! Hot Lady: Thanks for the tip!
Pregnant Lady: Yeah yeah, twins. I get it, now, lets watch something I'm really interested in. Homer: Who has more power? Miss America or Miss USA? Carl: I think one's elected and the other is appointed. Hibbert: I think your water just broke. Pregnant Lady: Will you be quiet!
Lenny: You know I've been with the show from the beginning and I was uh.. I was wondering if I could get a small cost of living raise? Homer: Interesting... please welcome new panelist Barney Gumbel. Barney: Oh that light's a little bright. Do you think you could move it? Homer: Please welcome our newest panelist, Disco Stu. Stu: Disco Stu knows his place!
Producer: Krusty you know Dianne, Stu, and Jeremy from the network? Krusty: Hey hey, hey hey, hey hey.
Chief Wiggum: Simpson I hate to bother you when you're eating but.. you're always eating. Will you sign an autograph for my boy. Homer: My pleasure. Ralph: I eat Lego's! Homer: So did I, son. And look where I am today.
Lisa: You should use your time on the air to say things that really mean something. Change the world for the better. Bart: I say live fast, die young, and leave a big fat corpse! Homer: Well, I took Bart's advice last week so I guess it's Lisa's turn.
Krusty: Look, since my own network dumped me, I thought maybe I could do a show on.. :shudders: Fox. Fox Programmer: I'm sorry Krusty, people aren't interested in stars anymore they want reality. Krusty: Way ahead of you. How about a show where girls think I'm a millionaire, but what they don't know is, I'm rife with disease.... Okay, okay. How bout one where I move in with a poor family and laugh at them, haha, you see beca---..... okay. How 'bout you televise my Bar Mitzvah? Live! Please, you people are known for taking chances on crap!
Moe: Hey wait a minute. Dirty words you can spell on your calculator is a very important subject. Paha. Boobs (80085). Haha. Just like what girls got.
Abe: This show stinks! I knew my son would blow it! Where's the remote? Oh it might as well be in China.
Song: The Beach Boys Experience sing at Krusty's Bar Mitzvah.
Mel: Now lets meet a man who's muscle bound, and a man who's bound not to eat muscles. Mr. T. and Krusty the Clown! Krusty: T, I haven't seen you since we roasted Chevy Chase. Mr. T: Yeah, we were kinda rough on the guy, I kinda felt bad for him. Krusty: You pitied the fool? Mr. T: That's one way of putting it.
Marge: Come on, Homie, we'll go to the Make Your Own Sundae place. Homer: Will you make my Sundae for me?
Programmer: Krusty, the ratings were good. Raymond rerun good!
Homer: I'm hungry! Are they married yet? Marge: They're not getting married! Homer: Then whose garter is this? Selma: I was trying to hit the dentist.
