Homer: Okay, Mothers Day gift check. Lets see what you got.. Lisa: I picked mom a bouquet of arigaron aladiers....... daisies.......... flowers!? Homer: Oooh, oh, flow-yeah. Homer: Kids, we're going Mothers Day shopping. I'm glad this holiday only comes every four years.
Homer: Let's see, what would she like? Twenty on the trifector? Her wedding china back? :gasp: I could get Marge a new window just like this one. Abe: Welcome to Sprawl Mart. Lisa: Grampa, you have a job? Homer: How dare you challenge my perceptions of what old people can do! Abe: I'm a greeter, I'm here to make every visit special. And to size up potential shoplifters. Nelson: Like I can't shoplift with my mouth. Selma: Hey look, it's Hairy Ass-Tubbman. Homer: Well well if it isn't Fatty and Smellma. Selma: Your names can't hurt us! Lisa: Can you help us pick out a mothers day gift? Selma: You can give her one of these, the Kitchen Carnival. Patty: We got one when we appeared on an episode of The Price Is Right which the network refused to air. Selma: Apparently we're not "tv pretty" Homer: Wow, I never thought I'd say this, but you slags are alright. Homer: Marge you're gonna love my present. It is so thoughtful it makes the kids gifts look like crap. Bart: I'm gonna pour caramel on my clothes, and then finally I can eat my shorts. Lou: Chief that guy shouldn't be in the carpool lane. His passenger is just a big ball of candy. Chief Wiggum: I wish mine was.. Lou: What? Chief Wiggum: Nothing. Homer: Ah! Ants! Ah! Birds! Ah Cats! Ah Flandereses! Todd: I was saving sugar for my wedding night! Homer: Oh my god I'm gonna be killed by a bear! Well I guess I don't have to worry anymore about the dangers of smoking. Marge: Homie! What happened to you? Homer: Marge, please. I'm too upset to talk about it. Marge: But seeing you like this is more than I can bare! Homer: Bear!? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Bart: Dad, you got attacked by a bear? Homer: I did a lot of stuff today. I went to Starbucks, but you didn't see that on tape.
Kent: That hilarious piece of footage was shot by local hunter Grant Connor. Not with a gun, but with a camera! Grant: That's right, Kent. I often get guns and cameras confused. One time, tragically, at a wedding.
Homer: Ah! The Bear Went Over The Mountain! The Berenstein Bears! Oh.. ah, Goldilocks................ and the Three bears! Aaaah!
Abe: You cowardly sweed! You face that bear like a man or I'll never speak to you again. Homer: But how will I find out what you had for lunch in 1928? Abe: I have a website. Site: Welcome to my homepage! Why don't you visit more often.
Grant: It tracks an electronic tag I stuck in the bear's ear. It's the same technology they use to keep tabs on Gary Busey.
Marge: Homer there's no rear on that thing. Homer: I know, if i get really scared I don't wanna ruin the suit!
Bart: I wanna go too! Homer: No way. If something happens to me, you have to carry on the Simpson name. Bart: Screw that, when I grow up I'm legally changing my name to Joe Kickass. Homer: That is so cool. Okay you can come.
Bart: Hey the batteries are missing from this thing. Lenny: Yeah we borrowed them for the radio. Lenny/Carl: :singing: Skyyy rockets in flight! Afternoon delight!
Marge: Thankyou for helping find my husband. I don't want my last words to him to be 'clip your toenails they look like fritos'
Grant: The bear is no longer wearing his tracking device. And it looks like he's heading towards that "wildlife sanctuary". Marge: Is there any sign of my husband? Grant: Hmm your husband appears to be travelling with the bear. Either as hostage or as what we call a forest bride. Homer: First, we pull off all your fur :bear screams: Alright alright I'm still thinking. :pulls out knife: They're looking for a male bear, right? :bear whacks knife out of hand: Oh, it's so easy to condemn, so hard to create.
Grant: Unless we take him down! Cletus: Yeah! All the way down! Grant: What you said didn't really add much. Cletus: I know, I just wanted to belong. Grant: Well, we all feel that way sometimes.
Lisa: He made it! He's finally protected from man. Bart: Yeah, but now he's being attacked by an elephant!
