Marge: Hello? Phone Recording: Hello, this is the Springfield Retirement Castle. Your parent Abe: Abraham Simpson Lady: Is dead. He died from Abe: Complications of a medical nature. :reading: The nursing home was not responsible. Homer: We've got what people never get: a second chance! Abe: Yeah, there's so many things we ca.. Homer: Yeah yeah yeah, we'll call you, and send you some fruit.
Abe: :crashes car into aquarium: Is this the dairy queen? Whale: Muuuuuuuuh. Muuuuuuuuuuh Abe: But Zelda, if you're looking for something with a big back seat and a lot of gas, I'm your man. Bart: B6! Homer: You sunk my Scrabble-ship! Lisa: This game makes no sense. Homer: Tell that to the good men that just lost their lives. Abe: Please, son. Driving is my last chance to feel alive. Homer: Well, you brought me into this world. So.... NO! Abe: I'm dead. Homer: Dad, get up. Abe: No! I'm dead! Marge: Grampa, come on. Abe: Dead! Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead! Marge: Alright Grampa, I'll help you get your licence back. Abe: Woohoo! And I want driving gloves. Homer: No way! Abe: Dead, dead, dead, dead! Wiggum: First of all, I'd like to ask if anyone has any questions. Crazy Old Man: Yah, where's da mens room? Wiggum: It's down the hall Wiggum: You know, it's kinda ironic. These old people are being kept alive by the organs of the young people they ran over. Lou: Makes you think, eh, chief? Wiggum: Not really. Selma: Okay. Look at the eye chart and cover your left eye. Abe: That's my seeing eye. The right one's my winking eye! :winks: Selma: I'll give you your licence if you never do that again. Abe: Oh, everything's the last time I do everything. Marge: Why don't we double date? Then the restaraunt will have to give us that booth. Homer: Wow, a booth! If I'm tired I can just lie down. Homer: You're slow to react, dad! Abe: ................................... Baloney! Guy: Bro! You tapped the septic tank! Marge: Dude sure got his comeuppance. Homer: In real life, he would die. Homer: Give me those keys! Do you have any idea what you put us through? I called the police, the hospital, my bookie, the kettle. Okay this isn't about who I called. Lisa: See you later, I'm going to the library. Abe: Lisa gets to do what she wants and you don't yell at her! Lisa: Hey, I've earned their trust!
Homer: Lisa doesn't borrow my car and stay out all night with some hoochie! Abe: She's no hoochie! Her name is Zelda and she understands me. Marge: Grampa, I gotta tell you, she's a stone cold hoochie! Homer: Straight up, Marge! That hoochie only likes you because you can drive. Abe: Shut up! You don't know her! Zelda loves me!
Abe: I hate this house! :runs upstairs and plays old music loudly: Homer: Turn that down! You call that music!?
Homer: I just don't know what to do! Marge: He used to be such an angel. Maybe you should give him another chance. Homer: No! He's gotta learn, Marge. The way my dad made me learn. Marge: He is your dad. Homer: .....Cosmic!
Apu: Oh, gentlemen. The new scratch and win tickets are out today! Abe: I'll take one, Achu! Apu: No, not chu, poo!
Abe: Death race? Homer: And another thing, no death races! Abe: Oh, I'd better not. Souvenir Jacket Men: Chicka chicka chicka! Elderly Friends: Chicka chicka chicka! Apu: Chicka chicka chicka! Abe: Fine, I'll meet you at the abandoned aquaduct. Apu: For the death race! Abe: Yes, the death race.
Man #1: Your jacket! She burns! Man #2: Then I burn with her. For I would rather die, than have people not know what stores I have been to.
Abe: :singing: Give me that old time fun! Give me that old time fun! Give me that old time fun! The kind where we stay home!
Marge: First he wrecks your car, then he steals mine. Your father is out of control! Homer: Oh, sure, when he does something bad he's my father?
Abe: Okay, keep an eye peeled for Zelda. Bart: Is that her? Abe: No. Bart: Is that her? Abe: No. Bart: Is that her? Abe: No. Bart: Is that her? Abe: Nooo! Wait. It was the second one.
Abe: Tennessee Ernie Ford? Now, I know you're dead. Tennessee: No, you just think I'm dead. Abe: No, you're dead. I was your biggest fan. Look, I clipped your obituary. Tennessee: :reads clipping and turns to dust: Lisa: Mom, there's no gambling in Branson. It was designed as a family destination. Marge: Oh, no, there's gambling. We just have to find it! Lisa: Look mom, it's your car! Grampa and Bart must be in that theatre. Marge: Bet you they're not! 3 to 1, how much you got? Lisa: Mom, you're hurting me!
Abe: I just wanna say... we're through! Nobody dumps Abe Simpson! You're nothing but a hoochie! Hoochie hoochie hoochie! Audience: Hoochie hoochie hoochie! Lady: Hoochie hoochie hoochie!
Abe: Son, can you forgive an old fool? Homer: Only in public!
