Moe: Hey, Barney, what's with the glum face? You glum or something? Eh, glummy? Barney: You know, it was my birthday last week, and no one remembered. Carl: What are you, nuts? Homer: I threw you a party at my house. Barney: You lie! Why would I not remember my own :gulps down a beer: birthday? Moe: [ Plays tape of Barney's birthday. Only it's the wrong one. Moe is perving on the mail woman ] Barney: I'm just saying that when we die there's going to be a planet for the French, a planet for the Chinese, and we'll all be a lot happier. Lisa: Mr. Gumble, you're upsetting me. Barney: No, I'm not.
--------------- Barney: Jeez, is that what I look like when I'm drunk? Homer: You wish. That's the stage we call, "Professor Barney" -- talkative, coherent, even insightful. Barney: [dressed as Marge] Well, I'm off to market! [burps] Homer: Marge, you're making a complete fool of yours -- Oh, it's just Barney. Barney: Then I'm going to quit drinking. [the guys laugh] No, I mean it! [the guys laugh harder] You won't see me here
again -- ever! [they guys laugh still harder as Barney
storms out the door] Moe: Wait -- that ain't funny. He's my best customer. Well, the handwriting's on the wall. To stay afloat, this bar's going to have to go queer. Gay Man: You mean it's not? Ugh. Gil: Well, after I lost my third job in two days, old Gil was in a pit of despair. Lindsey: And that's when you realized you were an alcoholic? Gil: Oh, no, I never touch the stuff. But you don't have to be drunk to know the value of Amway. Now, this is used crankcase oil, which you ladies know is murder to clean up, you know. And company's coming [two men pick up Gil and carry him out the door] Aw, you're doing this at the worst possible time. Ow, you're finger's in my eye! Homer: Oh I don't want to walk that far. Anything that takes more than 12 steps...isn't worth doing. Eh? 12? Get it... Steps. Hehehe. Bart: Lisa, people these days don't want to see a baby bird; they want to see celebrities at their worst. Lisa: Is that Rainier Wolfcastle? Bart: Check out the gut. Wolfcastle: It's for a movie. I'm playing a fat secret agent. Marge: You don't need friends to be happy. I haven't had a friend in years. Homer: But you've got me. Who have I got? Marge: [sighs] You still have Lenny and Carl. Homer: Aw, Lenny and Carl suck! Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, because if I ever lost them as friends. Lisa: Hey, no fair! Oh, we'll never get a good picture. Bart: Hey, why don't we dump spaghetti on Maggie's head? Lisa: That picture's a cliché. Bart: Picture? Homer: Hey, Apu, you got any of those potato chips that give you diarrhea? I need to do a little spring cleaning. Apu: They are in the safety cabinet. I'll get the key. Barney: Oh. Hello Homer. Homer: Barney.. Barney: Beer huh? Homer: That's right. Barney: Enjoy. Homer: That I will. Barney: Then we agree. Homer: You keep thinking that. Barney: I will. Homer: Me too. Barney: Good day then. Homer: Good day then is right. Barney: Ta. Homer: Ta Ta.. :leaves: Apu: Hey! You did not pay for that beer! Homer: Lenny, Carl, I know a lot of people bad-mouth you and focus on how you suck. But not me -- to me, you're true blue. Carl: Aw, thanks, big guy. Lenny: Now dance, rummy.
Barney: No it's not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet, and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.
Kent: Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze as they're all being used to film the new Burt Reynolds movie, "Fireball and Mudflap." I caught up with Burt on the set.
-- Kent: So, Burt, tell us a little about "Fireball and Mudflap." Reynolds: I play Jerry "Fireball" Mudflap, a feisty Supreme Court justice searching for his birth mother while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's ... garbage.
Homer: I won't let you give up now, when you worked so hard to [suddenly drunk] be the greatest pal in the world. I love you. Let's not lose touch after graduation.
Bart: We should be safe up here. I'm pretty sure fires can't climb trees.
Bart: You did it, Dad! Homer: You can't prove I did it. Lisa: No, you saved our lives. Homer: I could do a lot of things if I had some money. Lisa: What?
