Bill: Our topless story, President Clinton has launched a new website. Marty: Uh-oh, wait, lemme guess. www. <wolf whistle> . <boing> (laughs) Homer: Hehehehehe. Hehehehe..website. Bill: Doctors say the life expectancy of the average man is now 76.2 years. Homer: (gasps, slams on brakes) 76.2? But I'm already 38.1. I've wasted half my life. Homer: Marge! I've wasted half my life! Lady: Sir, do you need a tow truck? Homer: What are you talking about Marge, I dont need any.... (crash). Okay, send the truck. Ned: No, Homer wasn't a great man, nor even an addequite man. And he certainly never accomplished anything. President Lenny, do you have anything to say? Lenny: Nah! Ned: Alright fair enough, toss him in the hole boys. Bird 1: There goes a real sack of crap! Bird 2: Indubitibly old chum! Homer: Do you know how many memories I have? Three! Standing in line for a movie, having a key made, and sitting here talking to you. 38 years and that's all I have to show for it. Marge: You're 39! Marge/Bart/Lisa/Abe: Surprise!! Homer: Oh I see you're having a party, I'll come back later. Bart: You can't come back later, because.. Marge/Bart/Lisa/Abe: Homer Simpson! Welcome to your life! Abe: ..ome to your life Abe: Finish Him, Finish Him! Kit: Hello Homer it's me Kit from TV's Night Rider. Your family has asked me to take time out from my busy schedule to invite you to a veeerrrry speeeeccciiiialllll lllll..... Homer: Stupid movies! Who invented these things anyway? Was it you Bart? Homer: No one man can do all that, you're a liar, honey, A dirty rotten liar. Abe: Finish her! Finish her! Lisa: It's true! I read it on a placemat at a restaraunt. Homer: Really? A restaraunt? Well now I dont know what to believe. Bart: Dad what are you doing here? Homer: Reading about this Edison character. They wont let me in the big people library down town. There was some.. unpleasantless I can never go back. Homer: And these hearty boys books are great too! This one's about smugglers. Bart: They're all about smugglers. Homer: No, not this one: "The Smugglers Of Pirate Cove", it's about pirates. School Librarian: 'Scuse me! Are you a student at this school? Homer: I think it's pretty obvious that I am... Go School! Homer: From this day forward, I am an inventor! Guy: Do us a favour, invent yourself some underpants! Lisa: Um... Automatic.... Bart: Butt. Lisa: Flourescent... Bart: Booger! Homer: Wait a minute, these aren't exciting new products! Frink: Uh, all you have to do is think of things that people need, but which don't exist yet. Homer: You mean like an electric blanket mobile? Frink: Uh, well... possibleh... or, you could take something that already exists, and find a new use for it. Like.. Homer: Hamburger earmuffs! Frink: Uh I suppose that would qualify. Frink: Alright, just stay calm, Frinky, these babies will be in the stores while he's still grabbling with the pickle matrix. Hoy-glum-ley-lummmm. Homer: Now, here's my everythings okay alarm! <beep> This will sound <beep> every three seconds <beep> unless something isn't okay. <beep> Marge: Turn it off, Homer! <beep> Homer: It can't be turned off. <beep> <sick beep> But it uuh.. does break easily. Homer: Ah DAMMIT! Bart: Hey dad, heard you swearing, mind if I join in? Crap! Boobs! Crap! Bart: But I thought you loved edison!
Homer: Ah the hell with him! Bart: Yeah, Hell damn fart! Bart: Alright! The museum's still open! Guy: (to son) Why don't you like Edison that much <punch> Tourguy: Hey folks do you like riddles? Oookay then. How many geniuses does it take to invent a lightbulb? Just one... Thomas Edison. Crowd: (Laughs and Applauds him) It's true too, funny and true. Homer: Look, son! Edison was just like me? Bart: You mean the wild mood swings? Homer: No! We both lived another mans shadow!
